Sunday, Feb. 19, 2012

When grown kids come home to roost

When I graduated from college nearly 20 years ago, I moved back home for a year to save money and look for a job. It was somewhat common then, and it's even more common today.

A poll by the National Endowment for Financial Education (conducted by Harris Interactive in May 2011) reports 40 percent of non-student adults age 18 to 39 live at home or recently did so. That's 14 million "boomerang kids." And 59 percent of parents reported providing partial or full financial support to the same group.

If your kid's bunking at your place, it may not be a problem if he or she is working or pulling his own weight around the house. Occasionally though, a kid gets stuck.

"Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself," says Allison Bottke, author of "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents" (Harvest House, 2008). "Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself."

Bottke has developed a checklist for parents to help identify enabling habits:

Have you loaned your child money repeatedly, seldom (if ever) being repaid?

Have you paid for education in more than one field?

Have you finished a job or project he failed to complete himself?

Have you paid bills he was supposed to have paid?

Have you accepted part of the blame for his behavior?

Have you avoided talking about negative issues because you feared his response?

Does your child have money for new clothes and nights out but not for bills?

"If you answered yes to several of these questions, chances are at some point in time you have enabled your adult child to avoid his own responsibilities - to escape the consequences of his actions," says Bottke. "Rather than help your child grow into a productive and responsible adult, you have made it easier for him to get worse."

Enabling is born out of our instinct for love, so don't be too hard on yourself. At the same time, enabling handicaps our kids and actually causes us to fail at the task we want to achieve: to prepare our kids for the adult world.

Bottke offers these tips to guide your child into financial solvency and accountability:

Present a united front. Discuss with your spouse the expectations you're willing to set and enforce - together.

Set responsibilities and expectations. Your adult child will mature and gain confidence as he or she pays off loans, chips in for food and utilities, helps with chores or accepts a job.

Gauge motivation. Young adults should be diligent in working, looking for work and helping around the house. If they are not, you might consider giving them 30 days to find a new place to live. It may sound tough, but it could be the motivation they need.

Say "no" and mean it. Your child chooses his or her behavior and the consequences that go along with it.

Address their sense of entitlement. Your child might need two jobs, or even three, to achieve the standard of living they're used to. They may need to scale back or live with roommates for a few years.

Push for a job, any job. Employment creates momentum and opportunities; putting your child out there meeting contacts, learning new things and gaining information, which will lead to increased motivation and confidence.

By not giving so much, you'll give the best gift of all.